Sunday, May 8, 2011

What the Puckery

After being extracted from the Dallas Stars for a little while now I can now honestly say what I hate about hockey without being biased towards any team or player. I've watched every playoff game that's aired on Versus and NBC so I think I've earned the right to complain.

Firstly, fuck NBC. Their announcers are too old and continue to use the same catch phrases over and over. Also, NBC sucks because they only care about hockey when the Stanley Cup playoffs are around. They don't give a shit until it's championship time then they act like they carried 60 games when in all actuality they carried around 4 or 5 before the playoffs started. This is the same bone-headed network that decided to air Curling rather than USA vs. Canada hockey which sent Winter Olympic fans into an uproar (including myself). If they want me to take them seriously and not mute them when they talk, they need to actually air more than 20 games a year before I believe they care about hockey.

Secondly, I'm tired of linesmen jerking themselves off before every faceoff. Just drop the fucking puck. I'm completely baffled at times as to why certain players get kicked out of the face-off circle. I understand encroachment, too much physical contact before the drop, cheating the lines and not getting set in time however, I don't understand why linesmen continue to kick people out for simply standing there. If you want the game to have more flow, drop the puck and get on with it.

Next, some hockey players need to join a soccer league. I've never seen so much diving before (talking to you Vancouver). There used to be pride in staying on your skates but with the new rules in place, as soon as a stick gets anywhere near a skate the player just folds 'em up and falls over like they've been shot. There should be virtually no penalties in the playoffs. If a player is bleeding or hauled down on a breakaway then sure, other than that let them play. So Kesler, please man up and stay up right once in a while.

Lastly, stop dry humping goal-tenders. These Holmstrom characters should start wearing G-strings and dancing if they're going to rub that much ass on other men. If refs should start calling real penalties, they need to start with goaltender interference. I'm sick of guys taking runs at goalies. If you can't score on him, too bad. Taking cheap shots and smearing ass sweat on a goaltender is a pathetic way to play hockey in the crease. Screen him, make him push you out of the way; don't give him a lap dance though.

Other than that, this has been a fantastic playoff picture with great series and upsets. I hope the Stars can be a part of it next year but I've been enjoying watching other teams lose for once : )

Keep up the good work Bettman.

Grant